If you are hanging out here, you must be desperate.

BRIGHT IDEA 11/17/98

An old Chinaman was eating too much rice, especially since he was too frail to work. Because the man had become a burden, the father of the home - the Chinaman's son - determined to get rid of him. He put him in a wheelbarrow, then started up the mountain. The little eight - year old grandson went along. He was full of questions. His father explained that the grandfather was too old and useless and the only thing they could do was to take him up the mountain and leave him to die. Then the grandson had a bright idea. "I'm glad you brought me along, Father, because when you're old I'll know where to take you."

 BURGLAR

Jan: Wake up, Andy. There's a burglar going through your pants pocket.
Andy: Oh, you two just fight it out between yourselves.

CAIN

Heckler: Who was Cain's wife?
Preacher: I respect any seeker of knowledge, but I want to warn you, young man, don't risk being lost to salvation by too much inquiring after other men's wives.

CAMEL

Q. What do you call a camel without a hump?
A. Humphrey.

Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of anamals when he saw three camels trying to get on board.
"Wait a minute!" said Noah. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind."
"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw."
"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second.
"I," said the third, "am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven."
"Come on in," said Noah. "The world is going to need all of you."

TRUCKLOAD OF DUCKS 9/24/97

Teenage daughter (as the radio ground out the final notes of the latest hit song); Did you ever hear anything so wonderful?
Father: Only once-when a truck loaded with empty milk cans bumped another truck filled with live ducks.

Trust

One friend said to another, "You drive the car and I'll pray,"
"What's the matter-don't you trust my driving?"
"Don't you trust my praying?"

TURKEY

Husband: That is a beautiful turkey for Thanksgiving! What kind of stuffing did you use?
Wife: This one wasn't hollow.

Twin

You must be a twin ... no one person could be that stupid!

Twins

Melba: I guess your husband was pleased when he found himself the father of twin boys.
Pam: Was he! He went around grinning from heir to heir.

BURGLAR 8/27/97

A man and his wife went upstairs to retire for the night.
About midnight the wife woke her husband, (as she had been doing two to three nights a week for the past 25 years) and told him that there was someone downstairs and to get up and go check it out.
The husband being a some what submissive man got out of bed, got his gun and went downstairs to check it out as he had been doing two or three nights a week for the past 25 years.
To the husbands great suprise when he got downstairs there was a burglar with a sack full of their household goods.
The husband cautiously approached the burglar stuck the gun in his face and instructed the burglar to place the bag on the floor and go upstairs. "Go upstairs the burglar exclaimed! Why on earth for?"
The husband said, "My wife has been waiting for you for 25 years, so tonight she gets to see you at last".

TRUMPET 8/25/97

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight."
When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway".

Train your dog 8/25/97

A man answered his doorbell and a friend walked in, followed by a very large dog. As they began talking, the dog knocked over a lamp, jumped up on the sofa with his muddy feet, and began chewing on one of the pillows.
The outraged householder, unable to contain himself any longer, burst out; "Don't you think you should train your dog better?"
" My dog!" exclaimed the friend, suprised. "I thought it was your dog."

Train To Buffalo

A big executive boarded a New York-to-Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, and I want you to be sure and wake me at 3:00 A.M. to get off in Buffalo. Regardless of what I say, get me up, for I have some important business there."
The next morning he awakened in Chicago. He found the porter and really poured it on with abusive language.
After he left, someone said, "How could you stand there and take that kind of talk from that man?"
The porter said, "That ain't nothing. You should have heard what the man said that I put off in Buffalo."

Tomorrow
Ken: There's nothing like getting up at five in the morning and taking an ice-cold shower and a five-mile jog before breakfast.
Bob: How long have you been doing this?
Ken: I start tomorrow.

Train of thought
Husband: "Be quiet. You're interrupting my train of thought."
Wife: "Let me know when it comes to a station".

WHO DO I SHOOT?
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate of a military outpost. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in back. The sentry said, "Halt who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, said "General Wheeler."
The sentry said, "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on."
The sentry said, "Hold it. You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you Son, drive on".
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this: Do I shoot you or the driver?"

What is the difference
What's the difference between TEXAS fleas and other fleas?
TEXAS fleas own their own dogs.

GOVERNMENT
It's becoming more and more difficult to support the government in the style to which it has become accustomed.

TAILLIGHT
"Pull over to the curb," said the policeman. "You don't have a taillight."
The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless. "Oh, it's not that bad," said the policeman.
The man mumbled, "It's not the taillight I'm worried about. Where is my wife and trailer?"

TALKING DOG
A man tried to sell his neighbor a dog.
" This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir", he pleaded. "This man is cruel, He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the Army and was decorated ten times."
" Hey!" said the neighbor. " He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
" Because," said the seller", I'm getting tired of all his lies".

GRUMPY
Marriage counselor to female client: Maybe your problem is that you've been waking up grumpy in the morning.
Client: "No, I always let him sleep in."

GROWING OLDER
An elderly gentleman wasn't feeling well, and became irritated with his doctor because he wasn't getting better after five visits.
"LOOK!" said the doctor. "I'm doing all I can to help you. I can't make you younger."
"I wasn't particularly interested in getting younger," said the old man. "I just want to continue growing older."

GROCERY MONEY
Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
WIFE: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

INSURANCE
The following quotations were taken from Toronto newspaper. They are samples of comments that individuals wrote down on their clam forms following their auto accidents.
I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
In my attempt to swat a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
I pull away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

INSANE
An important official who was visiting an insane asylum made a telephone call but had difficulty getting his number. Finally, in exasperation, he shouted to the operator, "Look here, girl, do you know who I am?"
"No," she replied calmly, "but I know where you are."

ISMS
COMMUNISM:If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government, and then the government sells you some of the milk.
SOCIALISM:If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government, and the government gives you some of the milk.
NAZISM:If you have two cows, the government shoots you and takes both cows.
FACISM:If you have two cows, you milk both of them and give the government half of the milk.
NEW DEALISM:If you have two cows, you kill one, milk the other, and pour the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM:If you have two cows, you sell one cow and buy a bull.

I will add to this occasionally, come back now and then and check. HOME